Want to ruin every relationship you have? Then just play fair.
Dr. Henry Cloud, a well known author and psychologist, claims that this idea is absolutely critical to all types of partnerships – business, marriages, etc. Here’s how it works:

Let’s say that you and your spouse go to counseling because you just don’t get along. You are fighting all the time and nothing gets resolved. You both believe in “tit for tat”. If you are nice to me, I will be nice to you. If you say something mean to me, then I will say something mean to you. If you say you love me, then I will say I love you too. Sound familiar? Well, this works fine until the communication breaks down, then nothing gets resolved.

So here is what you can do. Just GIVE MORE! Suppose you are sick and tired of always being the mature one. It’s time that he steps up to the plate. You have spent the last 6 weeks always being nice and because you have been nice, he’s been nice as well. Then something goes haywire, and he blows up. And then you blow up as well, since he broke the “being nice” contract. Then you are off to the races again.

Since you might be the more mature one – in this instance – then the responsibility is on you to give more. It is not about who is right or wrong, it is about getting the relationship to a higher level where you can get issues resolved and you can move forward.

Ask yourself what can be done to fix this? How can we improve that? Get beyond your own need. There may be a time when you aren’t able to be at that level and your partner might step in. Unmet needs create frustration, and if both parties have unmet needs simultaneously, then nothing gets resolved.

Sometimes we like “tit for tat” because it implies predictability in relationships. But that is really codependent and can lead to disastrous results. Instead of doing what you might normally do in responding – blame, argue, point fingers – do the opposite. Don’t withdraw, get closer. Don’t disagree, agree. Before you know it, the issue will go away and the two of you can move on to a more healthy, interdependent relationship.

Step 7 – Give Back